Silly Gophers

A few years back we happened to travel to Saskatchewan for a short holiday. We took the Trans Canada, and a few miles after we entered Saskatchewan I noticed all these crazy gophers along the road. They were popping up on the highway shoulder, and scurrying all along the pavement. Some were even standing upright right in the middle of the highway - inviting sure death - there was a lot of road kill. 

When we got home to Calgary I mentioned this to a friend from Saskatchewan. Told her these were obviously depressed Saskatchewan gophers, who were suicidal, because they couldn't afford a bus ticket to Alberta. 

Well the times they are a changin and times are now tough in Alberta, but greatly improved in Saskatchewan. We happened to be close to the  Al - Sask border recently, but stayed on the Alberta side.  

Well by golly these dang Alberta gophers are all along the highway. And can you believe it ? One gopher is thumbing a ride and carrying a big sign  ' Saskatchewan Bound. '   Another Alberta gopher had a sign which said  ' OUT of WORK  - OUT of MONEY - NEED RIDE TO SASKATOON !! '

I met an old friend of mine recently who got to complaining about his job and life. Seems like no matter how hard and long he works it gets him nowhere. The better jobs and promotions and advantages go to others younger and more connected and different. He feels like a slave. He looks worn down and depressed. I am worried he might do something to himself - like maybe get a job with the government or something destructive like that.  

I told the guy that the problem was with him. First of all he was of the wrong sex - male - and a traditional male at that. You need a sex change operation......I said. The government will even pay for it ...I told him.  If he couldn't stomach that I told him he needs to change his orientation. 

I also said that he is the wrong colour - being white and with fair skin and blue eyes to boot. Get your skin changed I told him - black is best - but brown will do too. 

And he is born and raised in Alberta being neither an immigrant or an Indian.  I told him he needs to change this. Marry one of those native girls from the reserve. Man oh man - you might be able to say you are native.....and if not well at least the kids will be set for life. If the marrying a native girl don't appeal to him I suggested he try something else.  Leave the country I told him, change your identity and name - then come to Canada illegally on a plane and apply for refugee status. You will be a lot better off, because now ......why you are just an ordinary Albertan now, and a born and raised one too - so they figure you are stupid.  

And he is the wrong age - older with gray hair. You got to dye your hair I advised and get a face lift. And start taking that cream the women put on your skin to make it look softer and more feminine. 

He has a beard - the silly man has a beard  - I told him to shave it off - he looked too masculine for his lady boss. The beard just scares your bosses - most of whom are women - I told him. 

And he walks like a man - and I told him to stop it right now. You can't do that - they think you are aggressive and might beat them up. Look weaker and less threatening I told him. You got to project an image of weakness I told him - this is the new Canada. Times they are a changing. 

I don't know whether my friend will take my advice, but the times they really are a changing in Canada. 

A man laid charges against his Lawyer for professional misconduct, and damaging the reputation of the legal profession.   The man told the Judge  "  This Lawyer went against my wishes in a recent court case. Instead of fighting for me and trying to get me off the hook this Lawyer spilled all the beans, and told all the truth I gave him in confidence, to the court. As a result I needlessly lost the case. Why did he have to be so honest ?   "  The Judge was furious and yelled at the Lawyer,   "  You scoundrel !  Ninety (90) days in jail for ruining the reputation of the legal profession. "

There was a job to do. Nobody wanted to do it. 

There was a dirty job to do. Nobody did it. Most felt the job was beneath them, and they were Somebody. And anyways - Anyone could do it. So Nobody did it. 

A boss decided to hire Someone for a job he had. But Nobody applied. 

Nobody wanted to do the job.  The job was smelly and dirty, and most figured Anybody could do it, and they were Somebody. So Nobody did it.

I'd suggest employers hire that " Nobody ", and pay them well, because they sure do a lot of work.

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A black man and this dyed blond were attracted to each other, and got hooked up. One evening the blond was feeling amorous. However, the poor man was too tired from his hard day at work, and couldn't do anything.  

" I thought black men could do it at anytime, " pouted the disappointed woman.  

" Oh Yeah........and I thought you were a real blond - not a phony blond, " replied the exhausted man. 

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Alberta 2004 Election Campaign Update

Ray your intrepid reporter is on the job. Here is my latest scoop.

King Ralph has issued a decree......er Premier Ralph Klein has made an announcement. 

The provincial government of Alberta has been privatized. Private sector bids have been reviewed. The government of Alberta has now been contracted out to an oil company based in Houston, Texas. 

Ray your intrepid reporter is quick on his feet. Here is a reaction from an Albertan I interviewed on the street regarding this plan of King Ralph....er Premier Klein. 

A male Klein supporter from Calgary....  " Well you know it's a good idea - the private sector is more efficient you know - so this will save money.   We need to run the province like a business anyways. I'm voting for Ralph. He got rid of the debt. He is one of the boys, and he tells it like it is. Ralph - You're our man. " 

Ray your intrepid reporter contacted Premier Klein for an interview regarding this contracting out of the Alberta Government to a Texas Oil Company, but was unable to arrange anything. King Ralph ....er Premier Klein said I could only interview him, if I polished his shoes first, while he sat on his throne....er... in the Premiers chair. 

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Harper's Conservatives Squeak Out Weak Minority 

The  " Evolving "  Stephen Harper is Canada's new Prime Minister. In this case I guess the evolutionary process is not " PROGRESSIVE. "

Harper is on honeymoon with his political bride. But she is disappointed. Seems like she wanted to.. ah...to......well you know what couples like to do on their honeymoon, but Harper has too weak of a minority, and couldn't do anything. 

Harper tried to reassure her,  " Well my dear I am just a bit weak right now, and need a majority to be strong enough to satisfy you. Could you wait ? 

She replied,  " Look, if you can't do the job pretty soon,  then I'm leaving and getting someone else who can do the job ! "   

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If The City of Calgary Could Talk - and Ray Could Interview Calgary

Ray Your Intrepid Reporter,   ' Why are you growing so fast Calgary ? '

City of Calgary,   ' Because I want to be big. '

' Why do you want to be big ? '

City of Calgary,   ' Because I want to grow. '

' Why do you want to grow ? ' 

City of Calgary,  '  I want to grow because I want to be big. '

' Yes, but why do you want to be so, so, so big ? '

City of Calgary,   ' Because I want to GROW MORE and be BIGGER. '

' But why - why do you want to be bigger and bigger ? '  

City of Calgary,  ' Because I want to GROW and be BIG ! '

' But aren't you big enough already ? '

City of Calgary,    ' I just want to be BIGGER ! I want to have more people, more cars, more houses, more cement, more asphalt, more factories, more investment, more shopping, more consumption, more freeways, more streets, and especially MORE MONEY. ' 

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SPIN  SPIN  SPIN

Ray your intrepid reporter battles hail, rain, sleet, ice, cancer, rattlesnakes and bureaucrats to get you the story. I was cleverly able to infiltrate one of our powerful and established media empires, and did months of surreptitious undercover work. 

One night - very late - I was able to remain in the office unnoticed.  I slunk lightly and silently through the media office cubicles, and from a hidden vantage point I happened to see a very senior media mogul pounding on their computer key board - getting their story or column ready. The old ink stained scribe was typing furiously on their key board, and between bursts of typing they would regularly pause and cackle and laugh hysterically, while downing snorts of whiskey straight from the bottle. They were sort of chanting or singing a weird song or poem. I carefully   wrote out the words of the song, and here they are for you. Since this is a family web site I have omitted the swear words. They have been replaced by the following symbols  !*%    $#*!@  and  *!#*

The Strange Song of the Ink Stained Scribe 

" Spin Spin Spin I will spin my web of lies - for the $#*!@  unwashed masses I despise. 

" Spin Spin Spin I will spin my web of deception - because the people are so $#%@ damn dumb and beyond redemption - besides they don't want the *!#* truth anyways. 

" Spin Spin Spin I will weave a mirage of smoke and mirrors and deception - because I want my political pals to win the upcoming election. 

" Spin Spin Spin I can deal with my enemies by weaving  a long thread of innuendo - because my big boss said it was something I can do. 

" Spin Spin Spin I will spin my web of deceit - because the gullibility and stupidity of the $#*!@ masses is complete. 

" Spin Spin Spin I will doctor the story - because the  !*%   scribe who is honest gets no promotion or glory. 

" Spin Spin Spin I will pen the story sure to please my big boss - because if I do I am assured of no loss. 

" Spin Spin Spin please don't confuse me with the facts - since I don't have time to do the research or find a *!#* word to rhyme with facts. 

" Spin Spin Spin I can easily manipulate the news since truth is surely subjective - and pleasing my political masters is my primary objective. " 

I broke out in a sweat, but the infectious cackling and derisive laughter following each verse by the old ink stained scribe - was sort of funny in its own perverse way. 

I softly slunk out of the office unnoticed. Have gone back to working in the warehouse. But would prefer to keep and herd a flock of goats far away in the wilderness. 

Dog Elected As Progressive Conservative MLA in March 3, 2008 Alberta Election !

It was in one of those hard core rural Alberta Conservative ridings. It was very sad - but the sitting Conservative MLA (Member of the Legislative Assembly) for the riding was extremely popular, but he died suddenly just before the vote. His wife did not want to run in his place. The Tories had to fill the sudden vacancy. 

Well what happened was that the man had a dog called PC, which a lot of people in the riding knew, because he followed his master all around and was his constant companion. People would pet the dog, and fawn over him. He was really popular, and considered quite intelligent, and could do a lot of tricks.  So the Conservatives decided to put the dog PC on the ballot. 

PC exhibited character traits which most of the voters in the strong rural provincial Alberta Conservative riding really, really admired. He was very, very loyal. He was outgoing and friendly. He was obedient. He would faithfully guard his territory and attack and bark on command. He didn't bite the hand that fed him. He would make an ideal back bench member, who would dutifully and obediently vote the party line every time. And being a dog he knew instinctively the law of the wolf pack - which was to submit and cower before the top dog. He knew who he could dominate, and who he must submit to. He knew his place in the pack. He would have no problem fitting smoothly into the Party machine. 

He was elected with a comfortable majority !! 

A group of Canadians got together for a meeting, because they were concerned about the state of the nation. They all agreed that things were in a mess, but they were unsure about what exactly to do about it.

So after much discussion they decided to form a committee, whose job it was to study into the matter and make recommendations to the general assembly about what to do about the ruinous state of Canada.

The committee met and decided they should make contacts with other groups in Canada who were also concerned about the mess, and to exchange information. To do this the committee felt they needed more people on the committee, since they now had more work to do. So another general meeting of the assembly was called so that they could get permission to enlarge the size of the committee. This was quickly approved.

The committee was meeting regularly on their own time, and at their own expense - and studying into what to do about the ruinous state of Canada. However, quite a few committee members complained that they had no time to do enough studying into the problems of Canada. So they all agreed to apply for a government grant, so they could get paid to study into Canada's problems, which would then free them up to study these things better. They all enthusiastically agreed to this plan. To their delight they were provided with funds by the government to study more into the problems of Canada, so they could come up with a plan to deal with the ruinous mess Canada was in.

Then the committee felt they needed to travel about the country to study more into the problems. This they all happily agreed to. However, who would take care of the head office and answer the phone and mail while the committee was out traveling and holding meetings ?  So they agreed to form a subcommittee, whose job was to consult with concerned Canadians from the home base while the main committee was out on the road. 

Then some on the committee felt it had too many old white men on it, and not enough women, aboriginals, people of color, and other visible minorities. There was much discussion, and the decision was to make the committee more inclusive, and to enlarge the size and scope of the committee, so that all existing members could remain on the committee, and help the new members. " The more the merrier, "  they all said. It was also agreed that there should also be a representative from the homosexual community on the committee.

Since they now had more members it was agreed to apply for another government grant, since they were now representing the whole spectrum of Canadian society, and doing such an important job studying how to fix Canada. To their delight they were provided with another government grant, much larger than before. But some committee members were worried that since they were getting so much money from the government - what would happen if the funding was cut back, or even cut off - they would be out of work and could not continue their important job of studying into the ruinous state of Canada. So they agreed to form a special committee, whose only job was to lobby the government and business for further financial support. 

Since there were now so many committees working on this vital task there began to be problems of communications between them. So they decided to hold a general meeting of all the committees to discuss this matter - but where ?  Since it was almost summer they decided to hold their meeting at Banff. " The mountains are so very beautiful in the summer, " they all agreed.   " The mountain air will help us think clearer and study better,  so we can better solve the ruinous state that Canada is in, " they said. 

At Banff they all discussed and studied the communications problems very deeply. They finally agreed to form a communications committee, whose job it was to coordinate the important studies of the various committees. Since all of them were very busy they agreed to hire on additional people - since there was so much studying to do, and so much paper work.

In fact all the studying had created a mountain of papers. So they decided to create another committee, whose job it was to file and organize all the papers. They also formed another committee to start up a web site on the internet.

They studied, and they studied, and they studied some more, and they traveled about for years and years. One winter they all met for two weeks in Hawaii for their annual meeting. There was much talk, but they seemed confused. They had lots and lots of money, and lots of very bright people, but there was a problem. " Why are we here ? " the chairman of the committee asked. The members couldn't really answer him properly.

So they decided to form a committee that would study into what exactly they were supposed to be doing !!  

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   Since there is so much studying being done in Canada, Ray your Intrepid Reporter has decided to get involved too. Gee I might even be able to quality for some free Canadian research money. I had a hard time coming up with a name, but finally chose one:

Ray's  Study, Study, Study and Study Some Damn More Institute  

Here are the results of one study already completed by Ray's  Study, Study, Study and Study Some Damn More Institute.

1. Body Weight Study - obesity is GROWING in Canada.

The study found those who ate more gained more pounds. Ray discovered this, because he has some fat relatives, and whenever he sees them they are usually drinking or eating something.  

The study discovered that those who wanted to lose weight, and then ate less - lost pounds and body fat. Noticed this from a colleague at work, who always eats a tiny lunch, and is quite skinny. 

Conclusion - this is truly earth shattering and revolutionary here in Canada  - to gain weight eat more - to lose weight eat less.    (Ray is waiting for his free government research grant - genius should be rewarded).  

.... more study results will be published when available. 

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